Never Back

I haven't been there for a long time. . . . I don't know why I let everything go, I left it. The multitude of thoughts and problems sometimes overwhelms me so much that I can't cope. Although I try to suppress feelings, what I feel does not always work. Sometimes it is very difficult to keep everything in check. It's hard not to show my friends and acquaintances how hard it can be to stop tears. . . . The moments where you have to smile stupidly pretend that everything is ok are the most difficult. It is difficult for me to enjoy someone's happiness when I lack my own happiness. I don't remember when I was happy. Probably at times as a child, when I spent time with my grandmother's holy memory. Now you can think whether I was happy with my parents. . . . I can't answer this question myself. I can't remember where I was happy, where I knew I was loved by them. It may be strange, but I never confessed to them that I love them. I also didn't hear from them that they love me.In addition, my dad died recently, and in fact my stepfather, because I don't know my real father. He brought me up and took care of me. Although he often had a drink, quarrels with his mother and at the age of 12 he shouted out to me that I wasn't his daughter, I remember how he picked me up from school, he taught me to cook broth. For several years I had no contact with him just as he gave me money. I now know that it was wrong on my part. My mother settled in the same way as I mentioned with her current fiancé and additionally she alienated me to my stepfather. Now he regrets it because in spite of everything he accepted me as his own daughter, he was at my birth. More than once he gave me money even if he hadn't had too much money himself. I was still worried about him, but I don't know why it was stupid for me to confess to myself and even more so to my mother. Now that he is no longer there is a week since his death, I regret it. I can't fix my case anymore. The worst thing is that I wasn't even at his funeral because I was afraid when other family members would look at me. I was afraid of the reactions of others, all in all, as always. I am a coward. I am afraid to express feelings, I prefer to keep feelings in myself than to talk about them because it is easier to do so. I don't know what to do. I got lost in my own life and I can't find myself.

Neck or nothing

Not long ago I wrote because I really didn't know what, I had no time. The life of a young person may seem easy, but it is only a semblance. Every day waiting for me the next challenge. Parents tell us that science is nothing difficult, records that this is no problem. Unfortunately, they are wrong. While adults have forgotten what it is like to be a student. Forget that pressure does not help. For me as a student 4 technical college still checking are not easy, often I have so that I am afraid, I forget everything what I have studied. A test, exam, baccalaureate . . . This can be compared to a job interview, a presentation, an instance of the. This is the same the same stress. Unfortunately, no one ever goes to this in this way. Teachers do not understand us, do not know how it is hard for us to learn to test this specific. Education is very important in a person's life, but not necessary. Because frankly you teach us what school we teach ourselves? Write, we can learn at home, like add, subtract, multiply, divide because more mathematics in life we will use. What us the volume of the pyramid or the height of the triangle, or its angle? This should be taught if you want, and you do not have to.But not everyone has to learn something which is not necessarily his life needed. I want to study journalism and Social Communication. Do you need me there the math? No, there I need Polish as much as possible. I am not writing this just for that, I'm opposed to education, not don't get it that way. Now sitting on the bed with the laptop on my lap just I put your thoughts. That's all. Life is not easy, no matter if you have 5 years or 50. We always have some problems. Everyone would like to have the best life, but not everyone has the chance to. Born in a family where the parents are not able to find love, no luck it is even more difficult because no one supports you in your quest to fulfill dreams. On the contrary, they can laugh at you, or just to say that you will not succeed. It does not help for sure. If my mom knew about this blog probably to me wyśmiała because I've never understood me, never we were and we are not close to each other. For it is that I want to be a journalist is nothing, argues that this does not work, I will not be able to keep. Last, even when I said that I am going to study in absentia and found that I can maintain itself. Unfortunately, we do not look at it that I've been working for more than a year to have only a little money on clothes or cosmetics to me because she did not gave it walk me soon studies which are not cheap. A month I will have to pay for them quite a lot, and wages in Poland are not high. With about a thousand of gold or about 230 euro nearly 103 euro will go monthly installment for college I have no way to itself completely. Unfortunately, she cannot see this, does not understand me and only me hurt . . .

Depression :-( My live is good for nothing

Not long ago I have discussed here. The reason was simply had too little time to devote to writing. Now the storm got me depression, sadness, frustration. I still cry when I think about how I use and how I've given up on actually colleague. I do not know whether you did I mention but may I am deputy head at the store. My head and knew it well that from September back to school and my lesson plan can be so arranged, that finish late and did not have the problem, argued that somehow we'll manage. About a month ago, however, have stated that they do not want to I was further Deputy and that the search will be on my place someone, and I have to go to work on weekends, which is a position that really does not exist, the position from which I started. Today I learned that I can be moved to another shop because two people on weekends may not be. I feel horrible because I tried to as I could, everything I learned and I that I can cope. I did the errors because no one has trained me as an alternate, from mistakes to teach everyone. So many tears I lost because I really care about working in this store and this store. This is my first job and I know that's not there but I don't want to simply be moved to a different shop and learn everything from scratch, read with the composition. I doubt that I was so great and the friendly atmosphere which is currently. I'm broken down and I do not know what to do. Next month comes my successor, Deputy Head of the new, I obviously I need this to lose because I have less hours which is associated with lower earnings. If they wanted to move me to another store I thought about after talking directly with the boss about it. Now it is not about position because I can recover them as I finish school in April, and I can adapt to the new Deputy, it's just a post but it certainly will not be able to a new Deputy as much as me and knew so much about the brand and the customer. On the one hand, I feel like quitting this job, but I don't want to leave because they were drawn to this store where great coping and know everything, and the people I work with. I do not know how I help it if I take, I'm afraid. :(

New I. Happy?

Hello again dear reader. In recent times of my life there has been a lot of changes and it's positive. I was Deputy head at work, she returned my friend from Ukraine in the end! Tomorrow I meet with her Oh I can not wait and I regret that I have to sit in school for 13 hours. I was not last because I fell my laptop on Friday the 13th, of course. But I already have a peace in place of a netbook so I immediately write. As at the moment I'm happy with your purchase, we'll see if it will be so after prolonged use. No but what I'm going to bother with what I bought. My life transforms, so far in the positive side of everything goes I am immensely happy because I have enough sorrow and tears he wants to start to enjoy life and not cry. I want to enjoy life and the happiness to share with others.

Back to memories

Sitting at home in the day off because we have a national day meditate and remember. Now when I sit in front of my laptop remind me of the moments in life that shaped me as I am now. I mention friends and enemies, moments that are gone, family and loved ones. Sometimes I want to change everything, go back to those moments to do something more or change something. I'm probably the only such person, but one of the few that are not afraid to talk about it, and actually write. Make a lot of mistakes in my life that I would like to fix it, which if I'd just may not have committed, I would never. While in College, along with her friend remember that steal money from class colleagues, who took them. Soon it all came to light. Now when these moments I recall it was not worth it, and eat such a humiliation for the stupid 40 PLN. But what we were then just children who are taught only life. I think, however, that it led me to who I am now, gave me a lesson for the future. Currently, I am a person in itself, others know me as much as they let me only. I prefer to read in the room than partying. I've been working out in the shop with clothing, and I've gotten honest to a fault, I try to live so that I don't have to be ashamed for itself. It is one of the many memories so that the rest is dearer. For example, as I stayed with friends, sleep in a tent in her back yard when we were wearing in two suddenly something started banging in tent and open closed entrance, I remember that awful to be afraid, but in the end, the same laugh at each other. We were very good friends. Unfortunately, the friend has not survived and fell apart in high school. It has changed drastically, so much so that her writings not, not in terms of appearance, but behavior became quite a different girl, but unfortunately I do not have time for me. It's sad how people changed society and how it's easy to forget about the people who were close to him. Sometimes sitting in the room it is writing saves me, it helps to pour out emotions roiling tides in me, emotions that can sometimes overwhelm me, with whom I can not cope. Writing is my stepping stone from it all, this is something that makes me great pleasure. Therefore, I would like to someday work as a journalist, and in his spare time to write stories because according to some I'm doing it as well. Maybe someday I will put here a slice of one of the stories. Maybe it will be on the occasion of the 1000 page views of your blog? The same I do not know.