Hi...

Hi,

I'm often not here and I don't write anything. Unfortunately, my life is getting worse and worse. I thought for a while that it was good. . . . However, it was temporary. I met great people and spent a nice time. I was even at the next edition of Fame MMA 3. What I felt when my friend won is indescribable. Everything was nice to this day. The boy I met a few months ago and I like him quite strongly because I'm jealous of him as I've never found out about one thing a month ago I borrowed 50 zlotys from our friend when I was on a trip and forgot to give him back. He said it to the one I like. It turned out that he probably broke his knowledge of what I understood and he doesn't want to deal with me. It feels like a wreck, a garbage. It was the first time I was so concerned. I care a lot about him and even if he doesn't see it, she would like me to be more than just a buddy. Everything is collapsing now. I have outstanding loans to repay, I can't find a job, I've been drawn into a crime unconsciously and the day after tomorrow I have a case in court to relinquish my stepfather's inheritance. I feel that with this colleague it will not be the same anymore. Recently he also wrote what I am doing on 1 April, i. e. today. We were supposed to meet. Today, when asked if we see each other, he wrote to me that let's rest, that he will only meet a friend and return home. Totally he forgot that he was arranging with me. I didn't write it to him, but I took a special day off, even though I need a lot of money now. I feel very bad at the moment and I want to throw everything away and run away. Close yourself in the room and don't leave it any more. I want to cry. I know it's stupid because in total he didn't give me any clear signs than he treated me like a friend but I just started to care about him, and now when I lose this knowledge my heart breaks. For the first time in my life I felt something so strong that I could be jealous of the boy and now she wanted me not to get to know him because I wouldn't suffer at least.

Never Back

I haven't been there for a long time. . . . I don't know why I let everything go, I left it. The multitude of thoughts and problems sometimes overwhelms me so much that I can't cope. Although I try to suppress feelings, what I feel does not always work. Sometimes it is very difficult to keep everything in check. It's hard not to show my friends and acquaintances how hard it can be to stop tears. . . . The moments where you have to smile stupidly pretend that everything is ok are the most difficult. It is difficult for me to enjoy someone's happiness when I lack my own happiness. I don't remember when I was happy. Probably at times as a child, when I spent time with my grandmother's holy memory. Now you can think whether I was happy with my parents. . . . I can't answer this question myself. I can't remember where I was happy, where I knew I was loved by them. It may be strange, but I never confessed to them that I love them. I also didn't hear from them that they love me.In addition, my dad died recently, and in fact my stepfather, because I don't know my real father. He brought me up and took care of me. Although he often had a drink, quarrels with his mother and at the age of 12 he shouted out to me that I wasn't his daughter, I remember how he picked me up from school, he taught me to cook broth. For several years I had no contact with him just as he gave me money. I now know that it was wrong on my part. My mother settled in the same way as I mentioned with her current fiancé and additionally she alienated me to my stepfather. Now he regrets it because in spite of everything he accepted me as his own daughter, he was at my birth. More than once he gave me money even if he hadn't had too much money himself. I was still worried about him, but I don't know why it was stupid for me to confess to myself and even more so to my mother. Now that he is no longer there is a week since his death, I regret it. I can't fix my case anymore. The worst thing is that I wasn't even at his funeral because I was afraid when other family members would look at me. I was afraid of the reactions of others, all in all, as always. I am a coward. I am afraid to express feelings, I prefer to keep feelings in myself than to talk about them because it is easier to do so. I don't know what to do. I got lost in my own life and I can't find myself.

Day of monotony

Long ago I was not. This is because, unfortunately, the lack of time. Now being in a class 4 technical college I have very little time for myself especially since I work every weekend. For me nothing has changed. Already working elsewhere, but other than that it's all the same. I still sometimes moments when I'm sick of everything but I try not to think about it although sometimes it is very heavy. However, I know that there are people that I can count. One such person is my sister, niece currently studying and living in Olsztyn, but sometimes arrives. Life is not easy, always throws us the logs under your feet. Sometimes we laugh, and for a while we cry. I, being the person who survives everything I have a harder time because everything in excess sometimes feel but never show what I feel with the other, all the feelings of the soul in itself. I can not in front of anyone to open enough to be honest to pain talk, say what you really feel. This is beyond my capabilities. Terribly concerned about others and I worry about them, but I can not share their problems with others. Sometimes we have moments where we have enough, I at least I have. A moment when I would like someone all say release it with each other, stop choke but I can not simply. I'm afraid that I will become a public persona, that someone did not treat seriously what I say, and then it's more being . . .

Depression :-( My live is good for nothing

Not long ago I have discussed here. The reason was simply had too little time to devote to writing. Now the storm got me depression, sadness, frustration. I still cry when I think about how I use and how I've given up on actually colleague. I do not know whether you did I mention but may I am deputy head at the store. My head and knew it well that from September back to school and my lesson plan can be so arranged, that finish late and did not have the problem, argued that somehow we'll manage. About a month ago, however, have stated that they do not want to I was further Deputy and that the search will be on my place someone, and I have to go to work on weekends, which is a position that really does not exist, the position from which I started. Today I learned that I can be moved to another shop because two people on weekends may not be. I feel horrible because I tried to as I could, everything I learned and I that I can cope. I did the errors because no one has trained me as an alternate, from mistakes to teach everyone. So many tears I lost because I really care about working in this store and this store. This is my first job and I know that's not there but I don't want to simply be moved to a different shop and learn everything from scratch, read with the composition. I doubt that I was so great and the friendly atmosphere which is currently. I'm broken down and I do not know what to do. Next month comes my successor, Deputy Head of the new, I obviously I need this to lose because I have less hours which is associated with lower earnings. If they wanted to move me to another store I thought about after talking directly with the boss about it. Now it is not about position because I can recover them as I finish school in April, and I can adapt to the new Deputy, it's just a post but it certainly will not be able to a new Deputy as much as me and knew so much about the brand and the customer. On the one hand, I feel like quitting this job, but I don't want to leave because they were drawn to this store where great coping and know everything, and the people I work with. I do not know how I help it if I take, I'm afraid. :(