Never Back

I haven't been there for a long time. . . . I don't know why I let everything go, I left it. The multitude of thoughts and problems sometimes overwhelms me so much that I can't cope. Although I try to suppress feelings, what I feel does not always work. Sometimes it is very difficult to keep everything in check. It's hard not to show my friends and acquaintances how hard it can be to stop tears. . . . The moments where you have to smile stupidly pretend that everything is ok are the most difficult. It is difficult for me to enjoy someone's happiness when I lack my own happiness. I don't remember when I was happy. Probably at times as a child, when I spent time with my grandmother's holy memory. Now you can think whether I was happy with my parents. . . . I can't answer this question myself. I can't remember where I was happy, where I knew I was loved by them. It may be strange, but I never confessed to them that I love them. I also didn't hear from them that they love me.In addition, my dad died recently, and in fact my stepfather, because I don't know my real father. He brought me up and took care of me. Although he often had a drink, quarrels with his mother and at the age of 12 he shouted out to me that I wasn't his daughter, I remember how he picked me up from school, he taught me to cook broth. For several years I had no contact with him just as he gave me money. I now know that it was wrong on my part. My mother settled in the same way as I mentioned with her current fiancé and additionally she alienated me to my stepfather. Now he regrets it because in spite of everything he accepted me as his own daughter, he was at my birth. More than once he gave me money even if he hadn't had too much money himself. I was still worried about him, but I don't know why it was stupid for me to confess to myself and even more so to my mother. Now that he is no longer there is a week since his death, I regret it. I can't fix my case anymore. The worst thing is that I wasn't even at his funeral because I was afraid when other family members would look at me. I was afraid of the reactions of others, all in all, as always. I am a coward. I am afraid to express feelings, I prefer to keep feelings in myself than to talk about them because it is easier to do so. I don't know what to do. I got lost in my own life and I can't find myself.

Easter-tears, melancholy

My life sucks. This is the truth. Easter, and I was alone at home, there is no even to speak up. All friends spend their time with their families. I unfortunately do not have a family, or at least that you interested in getting involved is what I feel and what I want. Sitting at home all the time, think practically. About my life and what it will be about the fact that others at the same time are among the people who love them. It's funny because I think I was the only I would like to live with your parents feel their love and enjoy their presence. I was not ever feel love, parental always missed me since I can remember. Melancholy comes at me especially in the holidays when I sit alone trying to recall a happy moment in my life involved with the family, but there is no such. The only light they are memories my foster grandmother, which I think that I loved because I felt that despite her anger when I did something wrong. With her I was happy with it I spent the most beautiful moments, even a trip to England after all was not so beautiful. My grandmother gave me love and happiness, now when it is not I was quite alone. I don't have one with you. Nobody can tell you what I feel for the truth, I have no friends that I could like to confide that I understood and not rejected. Because who would want to know someone like me. Pretending to be someone else better to me is to live, it's easier. No need to explain why I am sad and I have tears on the cheeks. Like everyone I love and happiness. Is it so much? Do I wish impossible? . . . Sometimes I fall asleep and never wake up, dreaming forever

Lepszy dzień?A może jednak nie?

Tak dziś miałam lepszy dzień.Może i jest poniedziałek, ale tydzień rozpoczął się w miarę dobrze nie licząc jedynki z matematyki.Niechętnie wstawałam dziś z łóżka z racji, że była to 6 godzina bo na 8 do szkoły.Chętnie pospałabym do późna, niestety jest to nie możliwe. Jak co dzień poszłam do szkoły. Nie było źle. Dowiedziałam się, że moja siostra cioteczna, która jest mi bardzo bliska i nie wiem jak to będzie gdy wyjedzie na studia dowiedziała się, że z jej klasy jedyna zdała próbną maturę z polskiego. Wow jestem z niej dumna bo wiem jak trudno jest zdać. Nie miałam dziś powodu do smutku, aż do chwili gdy to piszę. Teraz tak myśląc o tym, że niedługo może wyjechać na studia robi mi się smutno na sercu bo wiem, że kontakt nie będzie już taki jak jest. Co ja zrobię sama? Tak to zawsze mogłam z nią porozmawiać, pośmiać się razem z czegoś, czy wypić piwo, a co będzie teraz? Nie wiem sama, jedynie co wiem,że sporo się zmienia w moim życiu i jeszcze zmieni. Codziennie staram się nie myśleć o smutnych rzeczach i mieć pozytywne myśli. Chcę dążyć do spełnienia marzeń. Nie chcę na nikim polegać. Nie pamiętam kiedy bym polegała na matce czy kimś innym. Życie nauczyło mnie do tej pory jednego,że można liczyć jedynie na siebie, na nikogo innego. Może to i smutne, ale taka jest prawda. Chcę mieć lepsze życie niż obecnie mam, nie musieć martwić się smutkami tylko móc się cieszyć każdą chwilą jaką mam. Chcę podążać za marzeniem, które gdy się postaram może być osiągalne. Chcę połączyć pasję z pracą. Chcę po prostu szczęścia. Czasem między znajomymi chodzą rozmowy o tym jakie będzie życie i czy chcą mieć dzieci. Ja na obecną chwilę nie, bo skąd mogę mieć pewność, że będę dobrą matką skoro nie miałam dobrego przykładu. Nie chcę narażać w przyszłości dziecka na to co ja od dziecka przechodzę. Wolę być sama niż kogoś krzywdzić, powodować u kogoś łzy. Tak samo jest ze związkiem. Miałam chłopaka, którego skrzywdziłam i wiem to. Kochał mnie, ale ja nie potrafiłam pokochać jego. Nie potrafiłam ograniczyć się, żyć nie tylko dla siebie. Nie wiem czy potrafię kochać kogoś, kogoś innego niż rodzinę. Nie widziałam zbyt dużo przykładów miłości ani sama jej nie doświadczyłam. Wiem, że może być dziwne skoro czytam romanse to nie zakochałam się, ale taka prawda. Czytam je bo dla mnie to świat, w którym chciała bym żyć. Uciekam od codzienności, przenoszę się gdzie indziej gdy czytam jakiś romans. Jestem wtedy wolna, czuję się lepiej.


So today I had a better day. Maybe it'sMonday, but a week had startedreasonably well, not counting ones inmathematics. Reluctant to wstawałamtoday from the bed because it was a 6hour because at 8. Happy pospałabym tolate, unfortunately this is not possible.Like every day I went to school. It wasnot bad. I found out that my great aunt'ssister, who is very close to me and i donot know how it will be when you leavefor college she learned that from herclass only passed the test with a highschool diploma. Wow I am proud of itbecause I know how hard it is to pass. Ihad no reason today to sorrow, until thetime when I write this. Now just thinkingabout it, that may soon go to Collegemake me sad at heart because I knowthat the contact will no longer be such asit is. What I will do the same? So, I couldalways talk to her, laugh together withsomething, or drink a beer, and what willhappen now? I do not know, only what Iknow, that a lot of changes in my life andstill have change. Every day I try not tothink about the sad things and havepositive thoughts. I want to strive for thefulfillment of dreams. Don't want to relyon anyone. I can't remember when I wasthe mother or someone else. Life hastaught me to date, one that you cancount only on themselves, on anyoneelse. Maybe it's sad but it is true. I want tohave a better life than I currently have,will not have to worry about sorrows justto be able to enjoy every moment I have.I want to follow your dream, that whenI'll try may be achievable. I want tocombine passion with work. I just wanthappiness. Sometimes between friendsgo around talking about what life will beand whether they want to have children.I do not at the moment, because howcan I be sure that I will be a good motherif I was not a good example. I don't wantto jeopardize the future of the child forwhat I'm going through a child. I preferto be alone than to hurt someone, causesomeone to tears. The same is true withthe. I had a boyfriend, which hurt and i know it. He lovedme,but I couldn't love him. I could notconfine themselves to live not only formyself. I do not know if I can lovesomeone, someone other than thefamily. I have not seen too manyexamples of love or same notexperienced before. I know that it can beweird since I read romances is not fell inlove with,but it's true. I read thembecause to me, it's a world in which Iwanted to live. Escape from theeveryday, I move elsewhere when I reada romance. I'm then free, I feel better.

A na koniec piosenka, która wpadła mi dziś w ucho: