Never Back

I haven't been there for a long time. . . . I don't know why I let everything go, I left it. The multitude of thoughts and problems sometimes overwhelms me so much that I can't cope. Although I try to suppress feelings, what I feel does not always work. Sometimes it is very difficult to keep everything in check. It's hard not to show my friends and acquaintances how hard it can be to stop tears. . . . The moments where you have to smile stupidly pretend that everything is ok are the most difficult. It is difficult for me to enjoy someone's happiness when I lack my own happiness. I don't remember when I was happy. Probably at times as a child, when I spent time with my grandmother's holy memory. Now you can think whether I was happy with my parents. . . . I can't answer this question myself. I can't remember where I was happy, where I knew I was loved by them. It may be strange, but I never confessed to them that I love them. I also didn't hear from them that they love me.In addition, my dad died recently, and in fact my stepfather, because I don't know my real father. He brought me up and took care of me. Although he often had a drink, quarrels with his mother and at the age of 12 he shouted out to me that I wasn't his daughter, I remember how he picked me up from school, he taught me to cook broth. For several years I had no contact with him just as he gave me money. I now know that it was wrong on my part. My mother settled in the same way as I mentioned with her current fiancé and additionally she alienated me to my stepfather. Now he regrets it because in spite of everything he accepted me as his own daughter, he was at my birth. More than once he gave me money even if he hadn't had too much money himself. I was still worried about him, but I don't know why it was stupid for me to confess to myself and even more so to my mother. Now that he is no longer there is a week since his death, I regret it. I can't fix my case anymore. The worst thing is that I wasn't even at his funeral because I was afraid when other family members would look at me. I was afraid of the reactions of others, all in all, as always. I am a coward. I am afraid to express feelings, I prefer to keep feelings in myself than to talk about them because it is easier to do so. I don't know what to do. I got lost in my own life and I can't find myself.

Christmas Time☃🎅🏼👼🏼

Today, December 24th. For some it is a day full of love when the whole family meets together, in the end, this once a year. However, when some are others in this day are lonely. Think of others who do not have a loving family, they have no home, money. Simply in the world they can't afford anything. As each each giving gifts, not thinking about the fact that someone more likely to need although small gesture, not a gift worth 1000 gold, euro or dollars. Unfortunately, no one would think of such people. All only care about themselves. And where's the love for one's neighbor. God loves everyone no matter who he is. In this one day suddenly everyone pretends to be a believer. Because, as you can otherwise call it once throughout the year does not care about their faith, and in this one day so much believe? With the rest of the where the real Eve. Once she was not giving yourself as the most expensive, the best gifts only to spend time with family, the gifts were sometimes hand-made things. This was not something sophisticated. Remember also about others. People went out to the streets, to be able to share what they have with others. This has been replaced with expensive gifts for loved ones, drink alcohol, elaborate meals, expensive clothes. Christmas has lost its true charm, no longer are such as I used to and probably never will, not back to what it used to be. I this Christmas as I spend the same, without any elaborate dishes, gifts. I will not rozczulała over each other because I'm aware of the fact that there are so many people around the world who do not even have a roof over their heads. So I ask you the next time you are looking for some expensive gift think about others who are more in need of the money which will release someone to make you pleased. Not a better gift would be the ability to make others feel better someone? Make the smile on someone's face?

Carnival of life?

Life is one great Carnival or perhaps skit itself did not know exactly. Every day we wake up not knowing really what will bring us this day, what will be next. Surround us people that really don't know although we give them all your cares and worries. We can never be sure that our secrets remain just for them, no one else to know. There is always the risk that most people take, and then regrets it. I don't want to take that risk, I'm not so bold, very afraid of suffering that will come. For me, it's something much more than a simple expression of their feelings of the other person. I prefer to close in on itself than someone talk about what I feel, I prefer to stop your feelings to yourself.

Why I say that life is a Carnival? Maybe that's why every day, each takes a different mask, which often can not guess. Every day we assume a different costume, costume. Waking up not know what disguise we will set up. We cannot predict what will happen the next day or in a few minutes. Everything we are planning may disappear for one small thing. 

Day of monotony

Long ago I was not. This is because, unfortunately, the lack of time. Now being in a class 4 technical college I have very little time for myself especially since I work every weekend. For me nothing has changed. Already working elsewhere, but other than that it's all the same. I still sometimes moments when I'm sick of everything but I try not to think about it although sometimes it is very heavy. However, I know that there are people that I can count. One such person is my sister, niece currently studying and living in Olsztyn, but sometimes arrives. Life is not easy, always throws us the logs under your feet. Sometimes we laugh, and for a while we cry. I, being the person who survives everything I have a harder time because everything in excess sometimes feel but never show what I feel with the other, all the feelings of the soul in itself. I can not in front of anyone to open enough to be honest to pain talk, say what you really feel. This is beyond my capabilities. Terribly concerned about others and I worry about them, but I can not share their problems with others. Sometimes we have moments where we have enough, I at least I have. A moment when I would like someone all say release it with each other, stop choke but I can not simply. I'm afraid that I will become a public persona, that someone did not treat seriously what I say, and then it's more being . . .