Never Back

I haven't been there for a long time. . . . I don't know why I let everything go, I left it. The multitude of thoughts and problems sometimes overwhelms me so much that I can't cope. Although I try to suppress feelings, what I feel does not always work. Sometimes it is very difficult to keep everything in check. It's hard not to show my friends and acquaintances how hard it can be to stop tears. . . . The moments where you have to smile stupidly pretend that everything is ok are the most difficult. It is difficult for me to enjoy someone's happiness when I lack my own happiness. I don't remember when I was happy. Probably at times as a child, when I spent time with my grandmother's holy memory. Now you can think whether I was happy with my parents. . . . I can't answer this question myself. I can't remember where I was happy, where I knew I was loved by them. It may be strange, but I never confessed to them that I love them. I also didn't hear from them that they love me.In addition, my dad died recently, and in fact my stepfather, because I don't know my real father. He brought me up and took care of me. Although he often had a drink, quarrels with his mother and at the age of 12 he shouted out to me that I wasn't his daughter, I remember how he picked me up from school, he taught me to cook broth. For several years I had no contact with him just as he gave me money. I now know that it was wrong on my part. My mother settled in the same way as I mentioned with her current fiancé and additionally she alienated me to my stepfather. Now he regrets it because in spite of everything he accepted me as his own daughter, he was at my birth. More than once he gave me money even if he hadn't had too much money himself. I was still worried about him, but I don't know why it was stupid for me to confess to myself and even more so to my mother. Now that he is no longer there is a week since his death, I regret it. I can't fix my case anymore. The worst thing is that I wasn't even at his funeral because I was afraid when other family members would look at me. I was afraid of the reactions of others, all in all, as always. I am a coward. I am afraid to express feelings, I prefer to keep feelings in myself than to talk about them because it is easier to do so. I don't know what to do. I got lost in my own life and I can't find myself.

Day of monotony

Long ago I was not. This is because, unfortunately, the lack of time. Now being in a class 4 technical college I have very little time for myself especially since I work every weekend. For me nothing has changed. Already working elsewhere, but other than that it's all the same. I still sometimes moments when I'm sick of everything but I try not to think about it although sometimes it is very heavy. However, I know that there are people that I can count. One such person is my sister, niece currently studying and living in Olsztyn, but sometimes arrives. Life is not easy, always throws us the logs under your feet. Sometimes we laugh, and for a while we cry. I, being the person who survives everything I have a harder time because everything in excess sometimes feel but never show what I feel with the other, all the feelings of the soul in itself. I can not in front of anyone to open enough to be honest to pain talk, say what you really feel. This is beyond my capabilities. Terribly concerned about others and I worry about them, but I can not share their problems with others. Sometimes we have moments where we have enough, I at least I have. A moment when I would like someone all say release it with each other, stop choke but I can not simply. I'm afraid that I will become a public persona, that someone did not treat seriously what I say, and then it's more being . . .