Hi...

Hi,

I'm often not here and I don't write anything. Unfortunately, my life is getting worse and worse. I thought for a while that it was good. . . . However, it was temporary. I met great people and spent a nice time. I was even at the next edition of Fame MMA 3. What I felt when my friend won is indescribable. Everything was nice to this day. The boy I met a few months ago and I like him quite strongly because I'm jealous of him as I've never found out about one thing a month ago I borrowed 50 zlotys from our friend when I was on a trip and forgot to give him back. He said it to the one I like. It turned out that he probably broke his knowledge of what I understood and he doesn't want to deal with me. It feels like a wreck, a garbage. It was the first time I was so concerned. I care a lot about him and even if he doesn't see it, she would like me to be more than just a buddy. Everything is collapsing now. I have outstanding loans to repay, I can't find a job, I've been drawn into a crime unconsciously and the day after tomorrow I have a case in court to relinquish my stepfather's inheritance. I feel that with this colleague it will not be the same anymore. Recently he also wrote what I am doing on 1 April, i. e. today. We were supposed to meet. Today, when asked if we see each other, he wrote to me that let's rest, that he will only meet a friend and return home. Totally he forgot that he was arranging with me. I didn't write it to him, but I took a special day off, even though I need a lot of money now. I feel very bad at the moment and I want to throw everything away and run away. Close yourself in the room and don't leave it any more. I want to cry. I know it's stupid because in total he didn't give me any clear signs than he treated me like a friend but I just started to care about him, and now when I lose this knowledge my heart breaks. For the first time in my life I felt something so strong that I could be jealous of the boy and now she wanted me not to get to know him because I wouldn't suffer at least.

Never Back

I haven't been there for a long time. . . . I don't know why I let everything go, I left it. The multitude of thoughts and problems sometimes overwhelms me so much that I can't cope. Although I try to suppress feelings, what I feel does not always work. Sometimes it is very difficult to keep everything in check. It's hard not to show my friends and acquaintances how hard it can be to stop tears. . . . The moments where you have to smile stupidly pretend that everything is ok are the most difficult. It is difficult for me to enjoy someone's happiness when I lack my own happiness. I don't remember when I was happy. Probably at times as a child, when I spent time with my grandmother's holy memory. Now you can think whether I was happy with my parents. . . . I can't answer this question myself. I can't remember where I was happy, where I knew I was loved by them. It may be strange, but I never confessed to them that I love them. I also didn't hear from them that they love me.In addition, my dad died recently, and in fact my stepfather, because I don't know my real father. He brought me up and took care of me. Although he often had a drink, quarrels with his mother and at the age of 12 he shouted out to me that I wasn't his daughter, I remember how he picked me up from school, he taught me to cook broth. For several years I had no contact with him just as he gave me money. I now know that it was wrong on my part. My mother settled in the same way as I mentioned with her current fiancé and additionally she alienated me to my stepfather. Now he regrets it because in spite of everything he accepted me as his own daughter, he was at my birth. More than once he gave me money even if he hadn't had too much money himself. I was still worried about him, but I don't know why it was stupid for me to confess to myself and even more so to my mother. Now that he is no longer there is a week since his death, I regret it. I can't fix my case anymore. The worst thing is that I wasn't even at his funeral because I was afraid when other family members would look at me. I was afraid of the reactions of others, all in all, as always. I am a coward. I am afraid to express feelings, I prefer to keep feelings in myself than to talk about them because it is easier to do so. I don't know what to do. I got lost in my own life and I can't find myself.

Sometimes I think...

Sometimes I think that life likes to put obstacles on the way to us. Is not here talking about me but about a colleague, which is for me a close up and very worried about it. I'm worried because he has problems, and it is a very sensitive girl. I would like to help her somehow but I can not, I do not know how I could. Same I have never been on her site, not lost love. I do not know what you may feel now only do I guess and imagine.