Never Back

I haven't been there for a long time. . . . I don't know why I let everything go, I left it. The multitude of thoughts and problems sometimes overwhelms me so much that I can't cope. Although I try to suppress feelings, what I feel does not always work. Sometimes it is very difficult to keep everything in check. It's hard not to show my friends and acquaintances how hard it can be to stop tears. . . . The moments where you have to smile stupidly pretend that everything is ok are the most difficult. It is difficult for me to enjoy someone's happiness when I lack my own happiness. I don't remember when I was happy. Probably at times as a child, when I spent time with my grandmother's holy memory. Now you can think whether I was happy with my parents. . . . I can't answer this question myself. I can't remember where I was happy, where I knew I was loved by them. It may be strange, but I never confessed to them that I love them. I also didn't hear from them that they love me.In addition, my dad died recently, and in fact my stepfather, because I don't know my real father. He brought me up and took care of me. Although he often had a drink, quarrels with his mother and at the age of 12 he shouted out to me that I wasn't his daughter, I remember how he picked me up from school, he taught me to cook broth. For several years I had no contact with him just as he gave me money. I now know that it was wrong on my part. My mother settled in the same way as I mentioned with her current fiancé and additionally she alienated me to my stepfather. Now he regrets it because in spite of everything he accepted me as his own daughter, he was at my birth. More than once he gave me money even if he hadn't had too much money himself. I was still worried about him, but I don't know why it was stupid for me to confess to myself and even more so to my mother. Now that he is no longer there is a week since his death, I regret it. I can't fix my case anymore. The worst thing is that I wasn't even at his funeral because I was afraid when other family members would look at me. I was afraid of the reactions of others, all in all, as always. I am a coward. I am afraid to express feelings, I prefer to keep feelings in myself than to talk about them because it is easier to do so. I don't know what to do. I got lost in my own life and I can't find myself.

Carnival of life?

Life is one great Carnival or perhaps skit itself did not know exactly. Every day we wake up not knowing really what will bring us this day, what will be next. Surround us people that really don't know although we give them all your cares and worries. We can never be sure that our secrets remain just for them, no one else to know. There is always the risk that most people take, and then regrets it. I don't want to take that risk, I'm not so bold, very afraid of suffering that will come. For me, it's something much more than a simple expression of their feelings of the other person. I prefer to close in on itself than someone talk about what I feel, I prefer to stop your feelings to yourself.

Why I say that life is a Carnival? Maybe that's why every day, each takes a different mask, which often can not guess. Every day we assume a different costume, costume. Waking up not know what disguise we will set up. We cannot predict what will happen the next day or in a few minutes. Everything we are planning may disappear for one small thing. 

Teachers and evaluation

Polish teachers break me anymore. I'm telling the truth. Consider today. A friend who is not passed from Polish and now it comes to my class have still problems with Polish. It stuck to the teacher to her since the beginning of the year, it is a visible and none of this does nothing. Example: I wrote to improve development on 5 and also wrote virtually identical to an essay a friend, she barely had two. Today, with the test I had to prove one of his his right to set me 5, but when it came to work friend teacher has set its just 1 for no reason because she had written at least 2 assessment. Just read your name on a piece of paper. In addition she was cheeky. So I ask where you have teachers who really suited to this profession, who assess fairly, and not for the fact that someone they like. I'm upset such a situation. And that kind of Poland has a higher level of education? Certainly not the culture because the culture itself requires that each be treated equally, it is as if someone judged on skin color or religion. Apparently, now you only need no such name to be evaluated. Getting worse happens in Polish schools. And wondering that young people flee from here, since there is no future. In the same school. Like how we have to prepare for it, since the Polish classroom reading are discussed on 2-3 lessons for math students must fend for themselves because they "do not understand" something of some teachers is not acceptable, and the English no longer mention, now if you yourself do not teach at home in school do not teach. Teachers should encourage students to help them solve problems and look for solutions. After this we go after school to get the knowledge that, and so for the most part to no avail.